That fella down there’s ya boi Patrick. This is an artist’s rendition of that scene in the SpongeBob SquarePants episode ‘Grandma’s Kisses’, where Patrick hoovers up a whole load of cookies in one go. It’s pretty memeable, so you should be able to find the OG image online with a quick Google. Although in this version I’ve exchanged cookies for a roughly drawn afternoon tea setup, and the individual hoovering up all the tasty tuck is your humble narrator. ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა
Yesterday I visited one of my alma maters in celebration of its 100th anniversary. And the celebration itself, you ask? An afternoon tea. If you know me, then you probably know that afternoon tea’s kinda my thing. My fave thing, you could say. At least in the food world. You’ve got your finger sandwiches, your scones and your sweet treats. Some house members were doubtful that a full afternoon tea would be served at the event. They were thinking of canapes and some such shite. What kind of fools of a Took would dare pass off afternoon tea in the form of canapes? Nobody, I hope.
But yeah, the selection was glorious. The most recent email I got said the whole event was booked up, so I assumed I’d have to be fighting to get an egg mayo finger sandwich in my belly. But no, gracefully, a lot of folks didn’t attend. Tables were set out with ten seats, and there were only 5 people on my table. More for us. And all the attendees were really kind, even though I didn’t really know anyone. But the important thing was that I know afternoon teas. And an afternoon tea this was. There was a bit of social awkwardness about whether we were allowed to eat the food in front of us for the first half hour or so, but I spied a dude on another table going in for a finger sandwich at one point and I took my cue to get in there asap. And I ate. And ate. And ate. Much like the Very Hungry Caterpillar. Within social decorum, of course, but I had my fair share, let’s say. “૮₍ ˶•⤙•˶ ₎ა
To summarise:
Egg mayo finger sandwiches (x2)
Cheese and Chutney Finger Sandwiches (x3)
Cucumber Finger Sandwich (x1)
Ham Finger Sandwich (x1)
Scone (x1)
Mini coffee cake slice (x3)
Mini brownie slice (x1)
Mini victoria sponge slice (x1)
If I could’ve had more, I would’ve, although my stomach was strongly advising me not too, which was fair. ‘Tis not a woman, ’tis an eating machine. I’m generally not in the habit of logging my food consumption. Well, I was when I had to take this weird form of steroid to stop my brain tumour swelling back in the day, because one of the odd side effects of that drug was making me obsessed with food. It’s fair to say I became a bit of a chonk around that time. An eleven-year-old chonk, yet a chonk nonetheless. But chemotherapy side effects making me not want to eat anything for a long time sorted out that problem the other way round. Nice. I basically did a reverse Christian Bale (the guy lost a shocking amount of weight for The Machinist then bulked up in a big way for Batman Begins). Anyway. (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)
It was a grand shame leaving all that tasty leftover food uneaten when it was time to depart. If I’d known just how much grub was going to be available before coming then I would’ve been tempted to bring a jumbo doggy bag to escort some of the treats home. Whether I would’ve had the confidence to bypass social norms by just yeeting food into said bag in front of an understandably disapproving audience is another matter.