I watched Celebrity Traitors and quite enjoyed it. Then I watched the most recent season of the regular Traitors and thought it was alright. And then I watched Traitors: Ireland and…didn’t enjoy it. To put it mildly. Well, more mildly than some of the colourful language that was being yeeted around in that series (but it was bad for several other reasons, not just that. That’s a post for another time. Or maybe not at all).
It’s still a while away, but I thought I’d put together some of my ideal players (and others I’d rather not see) for the upcoming show.
Harry Hill (Yes)
Beyond my bias towards the dude for filling some of my fondest childhood memories with vintage series like TV Burp and You’ve Been Framed! (the latter of which I watched to such an autistic degree that it made a couple of house members mildly depressed), I think he’d make a great traitor, just because his behaviour would be pretty difficult to read. He smiles all the time and could be hard to pin down. He’d make a good backstabber too. And he’d no doubt add a decent bit of comedy to the proceedings as well.
Kathy Burke (Yes)
Aside from the fact that she’d probably add a decent dose of wit, I think she’d make for a very tactful faithful, or equally a pretty strong scheming traitor. And she might add a few funny swears, if such behaviour is condoned. Not like the ineffective swears on Traitors Ireland, which was full of unnecessary drama and woman crying all over the place over a darn game. Cathy wouldn’t stand for that shit.
Victoria Corin-Mitchell (Yes)
She’s already proved to have a very strong poker face (see: famous video of VC taking out a load of professionals in a high-stakes poker game on YouTube), and I think she’d be able to apply similar poker skills to the game here. One minute she’d be pretending to be a loyal faithful as she helped other in the games, and the next she’d be turning around and betraying them under a traitor hood. She’s got a lot of potential.
Samantha Morton (Yes)
Samantha’s also got a lot of potential. She’s got that kind vibe from a lot of her film roles, which she could use to her advantage as a faithful, but she could equally employ it to bamboozle faithfuls as a traitor. She’s got some quiet skills that she could definitely use to her advantage, and, overall…I just think Samantha’s great (see: Marge Simpson ‘I just think it’s neat’ meme).
Bill Bailey (Yes)
He’s got a load of comedic talent, he’s got a load of musical talent, and clearly a lot of intellectual talent, because he’s been on loads of episodes of QI (yes, I’m aware the show stands for ‘Quite Interesting’ and not IQ). Plus, he can play two roles, because…he played two roles in Hot Fuzz. But seriously, Bailey seems like a clever guy who could bring a lot of savvy skills to the round table.
Anyone from the Toast of London Cast (Yes)
Okay, I’m starting to go a bit broad and biased because this show’s great, but there’s so much talent on offer here. Matt Berry, Fiona Mollison, Morgana Robinson. Robert Bathurst and Harry Peacock, both of whom play dual roles. Much traitor potential, no? The problem might be that some of the talent just ain’t ‘Celebrity’ enough. In that case, a rogue choice from the cast could be Shazad Latif. The dude’s built up a solid CV with past roles, but surely might be considered more famous now with his role as Linton in the recent much-talked about adaption of Wuthering Heights. Food for thought.
Anyone from the Ghosts/Horrible Histories cast (Yes)
Again, biased, because I love these shows. But come on now. ACTORS. People who are good at acting, who are funny, and seem like genuinely nice folks in real life. Anyone from these casts could be great. My vote would probs be Lolly Adefope, probably ‘cause she’s my fave Ghosts character. But I also feel like she could channel some of her friendly energy into recruiting a lot of trusting faithfuls to her side while secretly undercutting them as a traitor. BBC, take note.
Bob Mortimer (No)
Hey. Whoa there. Don’t look at me like that. I appreciate Robert just as much as anyone else. More than anyone else, in fact, because I was watching the Shooting Stars documentary from a young age so much that it wasn’t healthy. That’s right, I was a fan of Bake Potato before it was popularised in Covid times. So there. I just don’t think Mortimer’s character would work well in a Traitors setting. I’m essentially basing that on really disliking that recent show where it’s just a competition to see who can avoid laughing (can I be bothered to do a quick google search and check what that show’s actually called? No, no I can’t). I’m just ‘avin my say. This is my blog, after all.
Richard Ayoade (No)
I said stop looking at me like that, goshdarnit. Ayoade’s awesome too. He’s got a track record of awesomeness from The IT Crowd, The Mighty Boosh, Garth Morenghi’s Darkplace and plenty of other shows. Plus he’s always the highlight of Big Fat Quiz of the Year, even when BFQotY is a bit crap. Which it frequently is. It’s just that, for similar reasons to Mortimer, I don’t think he’d gel in a Traitors space.
Jeremy Vine (Hell no)
What? The Man of the People (MotP) wouldn’t be good on Traitors? Well, I guess he might be good if you’re entertained by a guy riling people up on the round table discussion, making everyone angry and getting the faithfuls absolutely nowhere (for similar behaviour, see: The Jeremy Vine show, BBC 2 radio. Also see: the late great Sean Locke’s sketch tearing Vine apart on YouTube). Vine would just piss everyone off. He pisses me off, anyway. If that hasn’t been made glaringly clear already. But if you need another Vine dig, then check out my poem, which gives the fool a small mention (I’ll post it at the end of this article).
Anyone from the Mrs Brown’s Boys cast (Absolutely not)
I guess this is treading into more Irish territory, and I think Celebrity Traitors is strictly English. Nonetheless, I’ve had a lot of fun watching the digs at this show from the Irish Simpsons Fan page on Facebook over the years, and that’s what matters. Have I subjected my eyeballs to a single episode of this pish, you ask? No. And I never plan to.
I’ll have to wait and see if the Big British Castle takes on my thoughts. Time will tell.
Want to hear why I’d be a terrible traitor? Then see below.
Want to see that niche Vine reference in an abridged poem I did recently? Also see below.