With Mattel planning their own cinematic universe (another MCU acronym) after Barbie with stuff like Polly Pocket, Hot Wheels and Barney, the realms are starting to expand. Heck, there’s even a Jesus Cinematic Universe (JCU) on the way (that’s a thing, google it).
On that note, I’ll be putting forward a few cinematic universe concepts of my own.
Sylvanian Families Cinematic Universe (SFCU)
As much as I enjoyed Greta Gerwig’s interpretation of Barbie, I wasn’t a Barbie girl growing up, nor was I in a Barbie world. I suppose I occasionally played with Polly Pockets, particularly with my auntie, but I always ignored the guy doll. Apparently his name was Rick, but I had to google that to check, which suggests he wasn’t that important. Anyway, Mattel can’t recycle that kind of underdog story again. But arguably, maybe they could since the Marvel Cinematic Universe often does that, despite getting it in the jugular for having plots that are too similar and uncreative.
But anyway, onto the family Sylvanian. I played with these small guys a heck of a lot, and I still have them, along with the dolls house on top of my wardrobe. I even have that cute little Christmas tree that turns on and off. But there was something that irritated my younger self uncontrollably. You remember the front of those boxes that supposedly advertised the products within that you were about to purchase? Well, newsflash. Half the accessories depicted on the front weren’t even in the box. That front cover? IT SITS ON A THRONE OF LIES. It advertises a lovely little world, but most of that world isn’t even there.
So. On that subject. I think you could build an Inception/Matrix-like sci-fi film where the Sylvanians begin in this idyllic world full of fancy furniture and stuff, only to discover at the end that their world isn’t real. And you could build up this realisation through multiple films with several different families. That’d be like, y’know, phase one. Then a kind of avengers shindig would be formed as their worlds merge until they eventually enact a gutsy revolution against their creator Epoch for false advertising. Nice.
Nintendogs Cinematic Universe (NCU)
Think about it. The original DS versions included Dachshund & Friends, Lab & Friends and Chihuahua & Friends. Three universes right there. Think of the potential. You could take it from a comedic Truman Show angle where the pooches slowly realise they’re being controlled by an outside force. One of the first signs is when they’re continually lulled to sleep by a suspicious naptime record but keep getting stunned awake by an uncouth – and unseen – surprise record. Then further suspicions are raised when a toy helicopter appears out of nowhere and starts chasing them. Ultimately, the biggest red alarm occurs during their daily washing session when the sponge rests on their tail too long, inciting anger and resentment, leading the pooches to stare angrily at the centre and realise…nobody’s there.
Ultimately, hard truths come to light, and the dogs start making communications with dogs from other editions to discuss their predicaments but come to the conclusion their lives are being controlled by someone else. The walks they went on? All manoeuvred meticulously by an unseen hand. While they weigh up the pros and cons of being controlled by unseen masters, they ultimately decide that the fact that they can’t die is pretty cool.
With phase one reaching a sombre conclusion, phase two opens on them channelling their angst into a new threat as a new species arrives on their territory – cats. And a cinematic universe wouldn’t be a cinematic universe without some action sequences, so I’m proposing some big battle sequence where both sides hijack those peach karts, mario karts and bowser karts then have a major turf war. Nothing violent happens of course, this is a kids’ movie. You gotta squeeze all the financial gains you can out of that younger audience. Perhaps the dogs could construct a surprise record of their own and use it against their enemies. The possibilities are endless. Maybe.
Teletubbies Cinematic Universe (TCU)
I’m thinking of a more Avengers-driven narrative here. Each Teletubbie has their own origin story, replete with dark stories about parents dying and families struggling. But all in a more cutesy 12A kind of story, you understand. Don’t go fallin’ into that 15 barrier, or you lose a lot of audience members/ *cough*money*cough*. While most of these stories are bleak, you’ve got to have an uplifting LGBT story with Tinkey Winkey. Ideally voiced by Sebastian Stan. That should go without saying. And then maybe a spin-off somewhere with that sun that’s got the baby face. Ideally voiced by Florence Pugh, if the original actress can’t be convinced to return for a comeback. Perhaps a Wandavision/Bojack Horseman kind of reality TV show where the sun has grown up and doesn’t want to do the part anymore? There’s potential there. And Noonoo’s got a have a side hussle somewhere too. Since he can technically never leave the house, you could have a darker series where he gets a serious case of cabin fever. Or to keep things light, he could just become a slightly irritating sidekick on the teletubbies’ adventures. Either works.
Anyway, then everyone has to join up and defeat the big bad. Uh-oh. The evil dude in question should be…the bear. Ideally voiced by Tilda Swinton. Then maybe the bear teams up with the scary lion. Ideally voiced by Brian Blessed. So, those two team up to try and defeat the Teletubbies, but are ultimately defeated by the united power of the teletubbies’ televisions. But then an end credits teaser lets us know that they haven’t actually been defeated and will just come back in a stronger form in phase two. Nice. And even when they’re finally defeated in phase two, it’s revealed they have vengeful siblings in phase three. Gotta conform to those underwhelming superhero tropes to keep your audience hooked.
Oh, and if you were interested about the Jesus Cinematic Universe, then the twitter link where I found the info is right here: https://x.com/DiscussingFilm/status/1837255020691018057