Review: Afternoon Tea at the Randolph

It’s that posh place I frequently passed as I gadded about on my undergraduate adventures. There’s usually that guy outside wearing a fancy suit and top hat. It looks fancy, and, as I found out during my recent luncheon with my pals, it’s pretty darn fancy. Here’s a summary of the grub, décor and general ambience.

Company: Top quality. High standard conversations were had, and all were looking fancy and well groomed. A couple of cakes were left uneaten, but other than this slight shame, everyone behaved immaculately.

Drink: Technically, according to the menu, the meal came with a glass of champagne. Us being the abstemious fellows that we are, however, two of us settled for some polite tea, while I myself chose a fresh orange juice. Alcohol? Pah! I laugh at the very idea of alcohol.

Finger Sandwiches: The first course, and my personal favourite. The afternoon tea was Christmas-themed, so one of the sandwiches was a turkey sandwich. I can’t say turkey is a meat I particularly enjoy, but it did the job just fine. The other sandwiches were the regulars, the first being the cucumber sandwich, my least favourite of the bunch, but nice nonetheless. Yes, I did just use the dullest of dull adjectives, ‘nice’, in a food review. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Next was the egg mayo sandwich, my personal favourite this time around. My usual favourite, the salmon sandwich, didn’t quite match up, having that certain je ne sais quoi feel that just didn’t gel, so it gets demoted to my second favourite for this particular session.

Scones: Next, the sweet stuff. Not being a fan of cream, I took the controversial decision of having just jam, thereby avoiding the more controversial debate about jam then cream, or cream then jam. I haven’t got time for that kind of lunacy. I took the savoury then sweet route, consuming the plain scones followed by the fruit scones. My colleagues did the opposite. To each their own, I guess.

Sweets: Finally, the really sweet stuff. I chose the route of big to small, so began with the Tirami-Choux. Not a big fan of this kind of pudding, but, y’know, it’s fine. I then indulged in the dark chocolate and caramel slice, which was very rich as expected, but very tasty too (yes, I just put the bland adjective ‘tasty’ into a food review too; look at me go!). I then moved on to the sweet mince and pine macaroon. I don’t get the deal with these guys. They’re papery, tasteless and all round nasty, despite looking aesthetically pleasing. I was reminded of that SpongeBob episode where he tries to eat Gary’s food and his face twists into an amusing expression of revulsion. I mean, they’re not THAT bad by any means, but they’re seriously overrated (Spongebob reference below this paragraph). But to finish off, there was a lovely mini Christmas cake, which was definitely the highlight of the puddings.

Décor: Speaking of Spongebob references, the decorations were pretty darn fancy, reminding me of the ‘Chocololate with Nuts’ episode where Spongebob and Patrick are marching down the road before starting their entrepreneur business, chanting ‘Fancy livin’, here we come’ (reference below this paragraph). And if you don’t understand either of the Spongebob references, that’s fine too. I was sitting on a lovely plush pink sofa while my friends were sitting on comfy blue chairs. Christmas trees were up, lights were on, paintings were on display, and everything was looking lovely. There was also some chilled jazzy music too.

Overall, a darn fine experience indeed. Would recommend.