Yes, our resident Nook meister, that greedy raccoon, bears more than a few similarities to the annoying orange. He loves that dollar (or, in this case, bells), and no doubt received a small loan of one million bells from his father in his younger days (more like 60.7 million bells, eh? If this reference receives a tumbleweed reaction, check out cnbc’s 2018 report on The Donald to get some more context). It’s also fair to say that he’s a bit on the portly side, no doubt because of excessive drinking habits and an unbalanced diet. Too many apple tarts and frosted pretzels, methinks.
Like the orange dude, Nooky boi also doesn’t seem to treat his respective family members too kindly. According to new book Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America by journalist Maggie Haberman, Trump apparently considered firing daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner before he was talked out of it by former chief of staff John Kelly. While Tom has yet to fire his two nephews Tommy and Timmy Nook from his establishments, there do seem to be some criminal elements of child labour going on here. Ages aren’t specified in the Animal Crossing series, but they’re surely too young to be working under these conditions.
In the original Japanese games where they make their first appearance at Tom Nook’s fully upgraded shop Nookington’s, these dudes are working non-stop from 9am till 10:00pm. We never see them have breaks for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I don’t know about you, but I think child services need to be called (or whatever the equivalent is in the Animal Crossing society). There’s little evidence that they even sleep, although one of the items that they offer to let you buy in New Leaf if you use their amiibo is a bunk bed, so at least there’s a sign that they sleep somewhere. And some New Horizons have been kind enough to create a mod where the two siblings are in their pyjamas near closing hours and tell you to leave so they can get some rest. It’s nice to see that some people care.
On another Trumpian subject, Nook seems to be a big fan of golf. And doing golf instead of work. Familiar, no? To provide some solid evidence on this, check out the opening scene of Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer. Leaving the room shortly after he’s managed to forget your name and appearance (ok, this is a standard game mechanic to allow you to set up your character, but roll with it), employee Lottie says the following:
‘That boss of ours! He likes to complain about his busy schedule…even though we all know he’s just rushing off to make his tee time. Ha! Well, enough about golf.’
So, it seems all of Nook’s employees are complicit in his activities. Just like most of the republicans were complicit in Trump’s behaviour, hm? Anyway…if you happen to use Nook’s amiibo on this game, he’ll gladly accept with the slightly unsettling declaration:
‘I would be delighted to have you serve me’
Yeah Nook, we have the highground here, I’m afraid. We’re the one who knocks. And we’re about to make your new home as hellish as physically possible. Enjoy. There will be no golf in your abode. Just endless pitfall seeds and net hitting (you’re not allowed to include either of these things on this game, but never mind. We can imagine).
Moving on with the evidence now. If you scan a Tom Nook amiibo into your copy of New Leaf, you’ll be allowed to access the old raccoon’s RV. And in this vehicle, what do you find? A GOLF BAG. Caught red handed. No, I don’t care if The Nook is on holiday, this is clear, damning evidence that he’s sneaking off to play golf when he should be working. What’s perhaps more incriminating is the huge bag of bells lying on the floor, no doubt an increased amount of mulah from that ‘small’ 1 million bell loan which has since expanded tenfold since he’s taken your hard-earned cash and no doubt invested in bitcoin before it crashed. Sneaky bastard.
You would’ve thought that Nook’s love of golf-related procrastination and general devious ways would’ve been satiated by the time we’ve reached the latest Animal Crossing game New Horizons, right? Wrong. The tycoon racoon has now become president of self-created company Nook Inc., and quickly drops this bombshell upon your arrival:
‘I’d like you to dream big – I do have certain connections in construction and real estate, and…Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself’
Real estate, hm? It doesn’t take a genius to know who else has a liking for the real estate business. If it isn’t already clear, there was an actual game released in 2002 called ‘Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon’ (short-lived, thankfully). Nintendo just keeps on dropping these hints. The former president conducted various real estate deals in Manhattan back in the day, and the Nookster looks to be starting up some similarly megalomaniacal plans. Don’t trust him. Never trust The Nook. New Horizons is also the first game where you can purchase that notorious golf bag for yourself, with no amiibo required, all for the cheap cheap price of…54,000 bells. While you’ve probably amassed a trove of bells at this point, it’s still not worth it. You’ll just be adding some green to that tyrant’s ruthless empire.
And when it comes it comes to money, any seasoned Animal Crossing player knows they’re going to be parting with a pricey sum if they want to get a fully upgraded house. If you’ve paid off your debts in every single iteration of Animal Crossing so far, including the Japanese original, then you’ll have forked out a grand total of 25,824,400 bells. Yikes. Tom Nook is greedy, golfy and rather corpulent. Like…a certain other real life individual.
(Note: This post and any subsequent posts in the series are satire. Don’t take it too seriously. Despite the concerning similarities 🙂 )