I’ve just about finished the arduous journey of my Fast and Furious Marathon, so it seems appropriate to take a comprehensive look at driving films in general. I bet you’re wondering what film I’ve put at the top spot, hm? Yep, I bet you’d have the kind of insane psychic powers of Mew to guess that old doozie. Anyway, uh, check out my thoughts.
Oh, and, as an aside, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cars, so I’m afraid I can’t include that blatantly obvious entry in this ranking. I imagine I wouldn’t have enjoyed it when it was released, and I wouldn’t have enjoyed it now. Anyway, I might update this post once I eventually get round to watching that, but I’m gonna leave that goober alone for now. And Need For Speed too, since I haven’t seen that. And various other driving ones. But, y’know, they’ll be watched eventually. I’ve got a decent selection to categorise for now.
Fast and Furious Franchise
What’s that? You thought I’d go through ranking each darn one? To quote the angry protests of John McEnroe, you can’t be serious. You CAN’T be serious. Sure, I appreciate the financial gain that the franchise has contributed to the film industry, but these dudes just aren’t my cup of chai latte (no, I don’t drink tea. Or coffee. Or any hot beverage apart from chai latte, at least at time of writing. I know, I’m a weird one). There’s clearly a big audience that these joints appeal to, but that audience ain’t me.
I guess there’s a slight disparity in quality across the franchise as a whole, but that’s like comparing store brand crisps with, say, Seabrook or McCoys. The films are all varying degrees of meh. They could never hope to ride the high seas of, um, Seabrook.
Anyway, I’ve devised a rough algorithm for F&F plots:
1) Two macho dudes pick a fight for no apparent reason, which involves racing
2) One guy wins, cue macho dialogue exchange followed a nice montage of scantily clad women which the camera focuses on certain body parts, followed by film title blasting onto screen
3) Dilemma; some bad guy draws some other character into a tough spot, which is generally sorted by a lot of racing
4) Lots of smack talked between the ‘good guy’ team
5) Bad guy defeated, bad guy usually joins ‘good guy’ team
6) Last minute ‘stinger’ to set up bad guy for the inevitable next film
Yeah. That just about does it.
F1
This one’s a pretty big stinker, and it’s on the same level as a lot of the Fast and Furious films I’ve binged recently. There are some pretty awful F&F films though, so I’ve just plonked this one slightly above. Brad Pitt provides a bit of rizz as Brad Pitt inevitably does, I suppose. But generally, this is just a cynical as hell advertisement for F1 racing. It features various ‘cameos’ from real life racers. And a hell of a lot of Dubai promotion, as races take place in Dubai and I imagine Dubai did a substantial bit of bankrolling for this shiz. But yeah, this joint’s stinky and cynical as all hell. Begone.
Baby Driver
I remember liking this joint when I first watched it. And then when I watched it a second time, I really hated it. And the image of that old worm grandma in vintage SpongeBob SquarePants episode ‘Chocolate with Nuts’ appeared and said ‘I ALWAYS HATED IT’ (If you know what quote I’m referring to, you’re a real one. If you don’t, that’s understandable). But yeah, I just don’t give a damn about any of the characters. It’s so lame. That opening drive scene is pretty great, I won’t deny that, but generally this one’s just a whole load of hokum.
Ford vs Ferrari
Eh, this one was just wooden and unimaginative. Nothing particularly insulting, just pretty beige. Some big names on the cast, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact that this joint’s quite formulaic and unimaginative. I guess that’s not helped by the fact that I have zero interest in F1, but still, that’s not an excuse. Documentary maker Asif Kapadia’s Senna was an absolute triumph in terms of making me interested in F1, and Rush was pretty good, too (more on those later).
Ferrari
I went to see this mostly because, you know, Adam Driver. You know. And it’s directed by Michael Mann, too. So I had some hope. But it turned out to be pretty lacklustre. I thought Penelope Cruz put in a very solid performance, but I just wasn’t getting anything from the narrative. I went away and read the source material it was based on and subsequently deduced that Ferrari’s a major league dick, or at least a ‘typical Italian man’, as I think the author said in so many words at one point (i.e. fucks loads of women, smokes a lot, super bulky, ‘charismatic’). So I guess Michael Mann managed to tone that down a bit.
Speed Racer
It’s been ages since I’ve seen this and most readers of the OG anime really hate it, apparently, but from what I can remember, my younger self really liked all the bright colours, the crazy vibes and general aesthetic, plus that monkey too. That’s my expert review for you, right there. You’re welcome.
Rush
This was engaging stuff. I usually find sport-related films much more engaging if they’re focusing on real material, and Ron Howard’s flick definitely delivered the goods. And the acting’s high quality, too. Generally not a huge fan of Chris Hemsworth (apart from Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga. He’s great in that), but he’s good here. And Daniel Bruhl’s also strong here as the strong silent type. Nice.
Senna
Asif Kapadia’s a pro. He’s made me intrigued by not one, not two, but three subjects I had little to no interest in (Amy Winehouse, football and F1). First he didn’t have my interest, but now he has my attention, to misquote Calvin Candy from Django Unchained. Yep, he’s top tier. The way he uses found footage, as well as the sheer amount of previously unseen found footage he manages to find, is unparalleled. It’s just awesome. In Senna, he really gets you engaged with the main man in question, and he does so without even saying a word himself. The footage speaks for itself. Dynamite.
Drive
Hey. Look. If you know me, you know I like this film. A lot. Heck, It’s pretty clear just when you go on my blog, goshdarnit. So, yeah. The editing in this joint? Tight. And I mean TIGHT. The standoff scene between Driver and Bernie Rose? Absolute genius. The whole film is like a classic Western transported to LA (see: Shane). The colour scheme? On point. Every darn frame is so carefully composed. The attention to detail, man. It’s almost as if director Nicolas Winding is autistic. Which…he is. It’s almost as if I’m autistic. Which…I probs am. Cba to seek a diagnosis though. Anyway. This joint pops, Ryan Gosling pops, that scorpion jacket pops. Everything. The soundtrack? GodDAYUM.
As much as I love Senna (silver prize to you, Azif), nothing’s going to get the gold except Drive, I’m afraid. And a Real Hero…Real Human Being…
*The writer lost concentration and started thinking about wearing the scorpion jacket despite the fact that their scorpion jacket is up in the attic and the heatwave is still ongoing and nasty so it would be utterly impractical and uncomfortable to wear the jacket*