A woman has a bit of a rant about trailers for films that look vaguely disappointing but which she’ll probably go to the cinema to see anyway. What joy. This is a bit of a longer post than usual, and you may come across the occasional bit of colourful language here and there, so strap on your seatbelts. (*＾ ᗜ＾* )
Wuthering Heights
Well, you’ve got to hand it to Emerald Fennell. She’s established a pretty solid aesthetic in her short career so far (Promising Young Woman, Saltburn). An aesthetic of groovy tunes, the end twist and, uh…fucking. Yep. And she needs to watch it with the twist schtick, otherwise she’s in competition to become the next M. Night Shyamalan. Come on gal. Try something different. (¬_¬)
Not THIS different, though. ( ˶°ㅁ°) !! Wuthering Heights? Emily Bronte’s gothic classic? Nah. You should’ve stayed away from this. But you haven’t, so…let’s see who’s playing Cathy and Heathcliffe. Uh…Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi. Yep, some of the most conventionally attractive actors working in Hollywood today. Wonderful. Clearly Helen Mirren’s Barbie voiceover that Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you want to make the point about being insecure about beauty didn’t get through. And Wuthering Heights isn’t about that anyway. I get that you don’t have to stick rigidly to the source material, but a blonde bombshell with perfect skin doesn’t exactly fit the stubborn and tomboyish heroine I envisaged. Nothing about Robbie screams tomboyish. Sure, you’re never going to get the perfect character you’ve envisaged in the text, but…this ain’t it. And Elordi? He appeared in Saltburn, I guess, so maybe he’s becoming Emerald’s muse? But again, he’s not Heathcliffe. Heathcliffe’s constantly described as dark in the novel. Wild, moody, angsty and all that. Elordi ain’t that. (•̀⤙•́ )
Okay, so it’d be helpful to actually start describing the trailer at this point. Robbie sitting with Heathcliffe, who’s got some moody long hair and a beard of sorts (this ain’t Heathcliffe, goshdarnit). And, uh, oof, I’m not liking that accent. Some moody montages now, makes sense for promoting a Fennell film. Ooh, now Heathcliff’s riding through the fields with an ominous unrealistic dark red sky. Moody. Well, let’s just hope that the source material isn’t twisted into a kind of YA fuckfest. Then the trailer announces that this joint will be arriving on valentine’s day. Ah. Hm. That’s not a good omen. Ooh, now a moody image of Cathy walking through a field in a bridal dress. Wow. And more moody shots. Oh, and some mist too to remind us that we’re in the moors rather than some fairytale land. That’s nice. And there’s an extreme c-up of Robbie touching her lip. Hooray. And now I’m thinking of Robbie’s feet close-up in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I mean, Tarantino’s got a fetish of his own. That’s a different issue. (ಠᯅಠ)
Anyway. Another misty image with Heathcliffe in the background. But now he’s got tidy short hair and he’s in a suit. Cool. Then the text says that this joint’s ‘Inspired By The Greatest Love Story Of All Time’. Oh dear. I don’t like the look of that ol’ ‘Inspired’ there, Emerald. Is that suggesting that you’ll be taking the story in wild new directions? Heathcliffe taking a jizz on a horse? Cathy sucking a phallic-shaped strawberry? I wouldn’t put it past you. And you’re pushing it there with that greatest love story gambit. There’s plenty of prose to fight in that competition. I mean, yeah, there’s love and obsession and all that, but those theme guys appear in thousands of other works of literature. But you’re selling a film here, so I get that you want to go for a big statement. (っ- ‸ – ς) Then there’s some rising emotional sound beats as Cathy and Heathcliffe have some dramatic convo, followed by the announcement that this is an Emerald Fennell film. Fair enough. Then there’s a bit where Cathy stares at Heathcliffe while he puts a pipe in his mouth. Saucy. Then a montage where Elordi takes off his shirt and Robbie’s on the floor. Saucier. Just writing these descriptions makes me cringe when I think about the more sophisticated analysis I did in my book, but hey. You gotta do what you gotta do. “( – ⌓ – )
Then there’s more text in between moody montages and music. ‘Be With Me Always’, ‘Take Any Form’ ‘Drive Me Mad’. An image of Elordi riding through a dark storm on a horse. Will he jizz on it? That remains to be seen. Some devious licking seems to be going on in the fast-moving images, so I imagine Fennell will have something in there to one up Saltburn’s bath scene. Or Saltburn’s final scene (if you know, you know). Then some credits at the end letting us know the main leads, the fact that Charli xcx is doing the soundtrack and telling us to ‘Come Undone’ next Valentines Day. To quote an obscure character from an obscure series called Toast of London, we are teetering. On the edge. OF SODOM. Downtown Abbey this ain’t. (｡>﹏<)
Project Hail Mary
*Summary: A woman who wrote a book about Ryan Gosling’s expressionist film era gets annoyed about Gosling refusing to make another moody expressionist film*
When I heard that Gosling was starring in a sci-fi flick in space, I should’ve been excited. Gosling played Neil Armstrong in Damien Chazelle’s gorgeous First Man, a subversive tale about the space race that actually wasn’t about the space race, instead focusing on Armstrong’s ongoing, unspoken grief about the death of daughter Karen, who dies after suffering from a brain tumour. It’s Chazelle’s finest work to date, as far as I’m concerned (sorry Whiplash, I do love you too). I was less excited, however, when I heard the Goz is going to be starring in, uh, Star Wars: Starfighter. What’s all this commercial shiz about, Ryan? What’s wrong with smashing heads in Drive, eh? Or going for multiple emotive, lingering shots of existential angst in Blade Runner 2049? Why did you abandon those masterpieces, huh? ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა
Oh well, it looks like you’re starring in another sci-fi film. Yay! But this film is…Project Hail Mary. Based on the book by the same guy who did The Martian. I haven’t read it, in fairness, but the film adaption of The Martian was very talky with a fair amount of irritating expository voiceover. And it was fun, don’t get me wrong, just fun. Not much more. And I DON’T want fun, goddamnit. I WANT A GRUELLING JOURNEY WITH MINIMAL DIALOGUE AND A POWERFUL VISUAL AESTHETIC THAT ACTS AS A PRIMARY DEVICE FOR UNDERSTANDING NARRATIVE STRUCTURE. ಠ_ಠ
Oof, glad I got that off my chest. But yeah, I’m not holding out much hope for that in this flick. So, the trailer. It looks promising from the opening image where he’s upside down in some rocket contraption or other with a concerned facial expression. But then it switches to Gosling with a funky long hair style, where he states his name to the computer. Stating your name already, without even being under duress? Nah, no silent hero potential here. Begone. (≖_≖ ) So, his name’s Ryland Grace. And then he states that he’s just woke up from a coma. Explaining what you’re doing, Goz? Less of that exposition, please. Then cuts to Goz back on earth refusing to take on a mission to save earth. As you do. More expository stuff as the woman talking to him explains that the sun is dying and that he’s the only scientist who might be able to stop it. He says he’s just a doctor, then the woman tells him to come with her. Then he walks into some lab room, and she announces: ‘This is Project Hail Mary’ REALLY? Right in front of my [insert intelligent meme reaction here]? Come on, man. You don’t put the title of the damn film in your trailer. At least not this soon, anyway. That’s a textbook goober mistake. Shame on you. ᴖ̈
Anyway, more annoying plot exposition from the woman (they haven’t stated what her name is, ok? No sexism in these quarters, I assure you). Then Goz repeats the phrase ‘Hail Mary’, saying he understands why the mission’s called that. STOP EXPLAINING. LET THE STILL FACES DO THE TALKING. GodDAYUM. Then the woman explains the threat if Goz doesn’t accept the mission. Then some more shots of Goz refusing followed a credit for Goz highlighting that he’s an Oscar nominee. Yes. Yes he is. So why’s he here doing this SHI-
*The writer had to be momentarily chloroformed at this point in time to get her to calm the fuck down and recognise that it’s just a film. She was then returned to her desk with a kind of tag around her ankle as a warning. Y’know, the kind of tags that criminals wear to make sure they don’t break restraining orders. But used more to monitor blood pressure this time around. Like Speed, if that BP gets too high, ZAP*
These people are crazy. Anyway.
There’s an unnecessary emotional montage which doesn’t work because I’m not invested in the character or what’s going on. A title card then pops us to remind us that the story is based on the best-selling author of The Martian. I know, and I don’t care. Then some weird montages of Goz’s class cheering and the woman talking to a crowd with a microphone (I still don’t know her name, okay?). The credits state the directors’ names, then states that they’re the same dudes that created the Spider-Verse films. And I do love those films, but this is live action we’re talking about here, not animation. Then some more images of Goz looking distressed, but not existential enough. Then a montage of Goz doing some happy celebratory shiz followed by a tease of him arriving at his destination, then meeting an alien. Then giving some expository shiz about how they became friends. At this point in the trailer (actually a while ago, tbh), what’s the point? Do you want to tell the whole story or something. There’s the film for that. But no, let’s just lay out the whole narrative instead. Nice. Oh, and they had one tiny close-up shot of Goz in his helmet that reminded me of First Man and then made me sad that this isn’t First Man. The more you know. Then it finishes off with a bit of Goz interacting with the alien that’s supposed to be all quirky and funny. But it ain’t making me laugh. Not. One. Bit. Get your drive gloves back on, Goz. ୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭
Michael
Well, this one’s finally comin’ round the corner. And why ‘finally’, you ask? This Michael Jackson biopic’s been delayed, and it’s been hitting some of those controversy targets because of apparent screenplay rewrites to try and avoid certain parts of the talented musician’s life. Since this movie’s supported by Jackson’s estate, you can take a wild guess about what those parts might have been. Graham King, the film’s producer, said he was keen ‘to humanize but not sanitize’ Jackson’s story. However, Leaving Neverland director Dan Reed read a draft of the screenplay and declared it to be ‘startlingly disingenuous’, so I’ll have to see the finished project to get a broader picture. ¯\(ツ)/¯
But anyway, onto the trailer. Quincy Jones (Colman Domingo) is heard as a song’s set up in a studio. Then the credits inform us that King also produced Bohemian Rhapsody. Hmm, not a good sign. That joint obviously had its problems with the director switcheroo after Bryan Singer hopped on the train to Cancel Town, but the finished product was still lukewarm as hell (does that simile make sense? No, no it doesn’t). Sure, Rami Malek was impressive, but not much else really stood out about the joint. Anyway. We cut to a stadium, followed by the voiceover saying ‘This is Your Story’ as an unseen figure walks forward. Ok. Then the credits let us know that the director’s Antoine Fuqua. Cool, we’ve got some more reliable talent here. Then more montages of Jackson, played here by nephew Jafar. Lots more montage and flashing images. Then cut to Jafar in the studio asking to lower the lights. Then more montage and finishing off with the movie’s title. And that’s it. ( ╹-╹)?
There’s something to be said for ‘less is more’ when it comes to the trailer (don’t see: Project Hail Mary). But when it comes to the biopic, it’s nice to try and centre it around a certain period in the artist’s life, even if you’re going to be flippin’ around with flashbacks and such. It’s hard to get a grip on where exactly this film’s going, and whether it’ll be an all-out celebration of Jackson’s life without addressing the darker areas. Anyway, let’s wait and see. (ᵕ • ᴗ •)