I went to see Elf for the first time at a preview screening my dad took us to back in the day, but my memory of it is pretty vague, unfortunately. Probably because I was quite young combined with the fact that myself and my brothers were frequently grooving out of the cinema with my pa to go to the toilet, which wouldn’t have helped. I’d never commit such a cardinal sin these days. Even if my bladder was at the point of bursting like when I was watching Avengers: Civil War. Oof. That was a close one.
But onto this stone cold classic. It’s just nonstop joy and happiness. Even listening to the main theme on the DVD fills my cynical heart with warmth. No Scrooge could survive its charms. Bob Newhart’s candid introduction brings us straight into the picture with several laughs from the start, particularly the cut to the scene where elves are making shoes in place of a snoozing shoemaker (‘lazy bum! Couldn’t even make a clog!’).
Every line’s a banger, and the film is just endlessly quotable. All the characters are great, and it’s nice to have a grumpy Santa for once. I can’t just pick one quote, so I’ll go through some of my all-time favourites, in twenty quotes, seeing as this masterpiece just reached two decades (in no particular order, despite the numbering. WordPress is just a humbug and moves on two lines as soon as you press enter). I haven’t put in who’s speaking, because, come on, you should have most of it memorised by this point (anyway, there are pictures to help).
1 ‘Not now arctic puffin’
2 ‘Have you seen these toilets THEY’RE GINORMOUS’
3 ‘You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf ONE MORE TIME’
‘He’s an angry elf’
[Cue chaos]
4 ‘I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR’
5 ‘You sit on a THRONE OF LIES’
6 ‘Does somebody need a hug?’
7 ‘We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup’
8 ‘This place reminds me of Santa’s Workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me’
9 ‘I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favourite’
10 ‘You know, my papa, he didn’t make master tinker until he was four hundred and ninety’
11 ‘Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite colour?’
12 ‘Did you hear that?’
‘You are so weird’
13 ‘Do you remember me?’
‘I do! I didn’t recognise you!’
‘I know I’m in work clothes!’
14 ‘I’m singing/I’m in a store/and I’m siiiiiing!/I’m in a store/and I’m siiiiiinging!’
15 ‘Deb, you have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!
‘Oh, you just made my day!’
16 ‘So, Buddy, how’d you sleep?’
‘Great! I got a full 40 minutes!’
17 ‘The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear’
18 ‘Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad’
‘Thanks, Mr Narwhal’
19 ‘You know what? We can take ‘em. Start making as many snowballs as you can’
[A few seconds elapse. Buddy already has a load of snowballs. Michael is shocked]
20 ‘I’m a human, but I was raised by elves’
‘I’m a human…raised by humans’