I\u2019ve just about finished the arduous journey of my Fast and Furious Marathon, so it seems appropriate to take a comprehensive look at driving films in general. I bet you\u2019re wondering what film I\u2019ve put at the top spot, hm? Yep, I bet you\u2019d have the kind of insane psychic powers of Mew to guess that old doozie. Anyway, uh, check out my thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Oh, and, as an aside, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever seen Cars, so I\u2019m afraid I can\u2019t include that blatantly obvious entry in this ranking. I imagine I wouldn\u2019t have enjoyed it when it was released, and I wouldn\u2019t have enjoyed it now. Anyway, I might update this post once I eventually get round to watching that, but I\u2019m gonna leave that goober alone for now. And Need For Speed too, since I haven\u2019t seen that. And various other driving ones. But, y\u2019know, they\u2019ll be watched eventually. I\u2019ve got a decent selection to categorise for now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fast and Furious Franchise<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What\u2019s that? You thought I\u2019d go through ranking each darn one? To quote the angry protests of John McEnroe, you can\u2019t be serious. You CAN\u2019T be serious. Sure, I appreciate the financial gain that the franchise has contributed to the film industry, but these dudes just aren\u2019t my cup of chai latte (no, I don\u2019t drink tea. Or coffee. Or any hot beverage apart from chai latte, at least at time of writing. I know, I\u2019m a weird one). There\u2019s clearly a big audience that these joints appeal to, but that audience ain\u2019t me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess there\u2019s a slight disparity in quality across the franchise as a whole, but that\u2019s like comparing store brand crisps with, say, Seabrook or McCoys. The films are all varying degrees of meh. They could never hope to ride the high seas of, um, Seabrook.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, I\u2019ve devised a rough algorithm for F&F plots:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1) Two macho dudes pick a fight for no apparent reason, which involves racing<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2) One guy wins, cue macho dialogue exchange followed a nice montage of scantily clad women which the camera focuses on certain body parts, followed by film title blasting onto screen<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3) Dilemma; some bad guy draws some other character into a tough spot, which is generally sorted by a lot of racing<\/p>\n\n\n\n
4) Lots of smack talked between the \u2018good guy\u2019 team<\/p>\n\n\n\n
5) Bad guy defeated, bad guy usually joins \u2018good guy\u2019 team<\/p>\n\n\n\n
6) Last minute \u2018stinger\u2019 to set up bad guy for the inevitable next film<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah. That just about does it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
F1<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This one\u2019s a pretty big stinker, and it\u2019s on the same level as a lot of the Fast and Furious films I\u2019ve binged recently. There are some pretty awful F&F films though, so I\u2019ve just plonked this one slightly above. Brad Pitt provides a bit of rizz as Brad Pitt inevitably does, I suppose. But generally, this is just a cynical as hell advertisement for F1 racing. It features various \u2018cameos\u2019 from real life racers. And a hell of a lot of Dubai promotion, as races take place in Dubai and I imagine Dubai did a substantial bit of bankrolling for this shiz. But yeah, this joint\u2019s stinky and cynical as all hell. Begone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Baby Driver<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember liking this joint when I first watched it. And then when I watched it a second time, I really hated it. And the image of that old worm grandma in vintage SpongeBob SquarePants episode \u2018Chocolate with Nuts\u2019 appeared and said \u2018I ALWAYS HATED IT\u2019 (If you know what quote I\u2019m referring to, you\u2019re a real one. If you don\u2019t, that\u2019s understandable). But yeah, I just don\u2019t give a damn about any of the characters. It\u2019s so lame. That opening drive scene is pretty great, I won\u2019t deny that, but generally this one\u2019s just a whole load of hokum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ford vs Ferrari<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Eh, this one was just wooden and unimaginative. Nothing particularly insulting, just pretty beige. Some big names on the cast, sure, but that doesn\u2019t change the fact that this joint\u2019s quite formulaic and unimaginative. I guess that\u2019s not helped by the fact that I have zero interest in F1, but still, that\u2019s not an excuse. Documentary maker Asif Kapadia\u2019s Senna was an absolute triumph in terms of making me interested in F1, and Rush was pretty good, too (more on those later).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ferrari<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went to see this mostly because, you know, Adam Driver. You know. And it\u2019s directed by Michael Mann, too. So I had some hope. But it turned out to be pretty lacklustre. I thought Penelope Cruz put in a very solid performance, but I just wasn\u2019t getting anything from the narrative. I went away and read the source material it was based on and subsequently deduced that Ferrari\u2019s a major league dick, or at least a \u2018typical Italian man\u2019, as I think the author said in so many words at one point (i.e. fucks loads of women, smokes a lot, super bulky, \u2018charismatic\u2019). So I guess Michael Mann managed to tone that down a bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speed Racer<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s been ages since I\u2019ve seen this and most readers of the OG anime really hate it, apparently, but from what I can remember, my younger self really liked all the bright colours, the crazy vibes and general aesthetic, plus that monkey too. That\u2019s my expert review for you, right there. You\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rush<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was engaging stuff. I usually find sport-related films much more engaging if they\u2019re focusing on real material, and Ron Howard\u2019s flick definitely delivered the goods. And the acting\u2019s high quality, too. Generally not a huge fan of Chris Hemsworth (apart from Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga. He\u2019s great in that), but he\u2019s good here. And Daniel Bruhl\u2019s also strong here as the strong silent type. Nice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Senna<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Asif Kapadia\u2019s a pro. He\u2019s made me intrigued by not one, not two, but three subjects I had little to no interest in (Amy Winehouse, football and F1). First he didn\u2019t have my interest, but now he has my attention, to misquote Calvin Candy from Django Unchained. Yep, he\u2019s top tier. The way he uses found footage, as well as the sheer amount of previously unseen found footage he manages to find, is unparalleled. It\u2019s just awesome. In Senna, he really gets you engaged with the main man in question, and he does so without even saying a word himself. The footage speaks for itself. Dynamite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Drive<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey. Look. If you know me, you know I like this film. A lot. Heck, It\u2019s pretty clear just when you go on my blog, goshdarnit. So, yeah. The editing in this joint? Tight. And I mean TIGHT. The standoff scene between Driver and Bernie Rose? Absolute genius. The whole film is like a classic Western transported to LA (see: Shane). The colour scheme? On point. Every darn frame is so carefully composed. The attention to detail, man. It\u2019s almost as if director Nicolas Winding is autistic. Which\u2026he is. It\u2019s almost as if I\u2019m autistic. Which\u2026I probs am. Cba to seek a diagnosis though. Anyway. This joint pops, Ryan Gosling pops, that scorpion jacket pops. Everything. The soundtrack? GodDAYUM. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As much as I love Senna (silver prize to you, Azif), nothing\u2019s going to get the gold except Drive, I\u2019m afraid. And a Real Hero\u2026Real Human Being\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*The writer lost concentration and started thinking about wearing the scorpion jacket despite the fact that their scorpion jacket is up in the attic and the heatwave is still ongoing and nasty so it would be utterly impractical and uncomfortable to wear the jacket*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve just about finished the arduous journey of my Fast and Furious Marathon, so it seems appropriate to take a comprehensive look at driving films in general. I bet you\u2019re wondering what film I\u2019ve put at the top spot, hm? Yep, I bet you\u2019d have the kind of insane psychic powers of Mew to guess … <\/p>\n