I watched Celebrity Traitors and quite enjoyed it. Then I watched the most recent season of the regular Traitors and thought it was alright. And then I watched Traitors: Ireland and\u2026didn\u2019t enjoy it. To put it mildly. Well, more mildly than some of the colourful language that was being yeeted around in that series (but it was bad for several other reasons, not just that. That\u2019s a post for another time. Or maybe not at all).<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s still a while away, but I thought I\u2019d put together some of my ideal players (and others I\u2019d rather not see) for the upcoming show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Harry Hill (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Beyond my bias towards the dude for filling some of my fondest childhood memories with vintage series like TV Burp and You\u2019ve Been Framed! (the latter of which I watched to such an autistic degree that it made a couple of house members mildly depressed), I think he\u2019d make a great traitor, just because his behaviour would be pretty difficult to read. He smiles all the time and could be hard to pin down. He\u2019d make a good backstabber too. And he\u2019d no doubt add a decent bit of comedy to the proceedings as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kathy Burke (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Aside from the fact that she\u2019d probably add a decent dose of wit, I think she\u2019d make for a very tactful faithful, or equally a pretty strong scheming traitor. And she might add a few funny swears, if such behaviour is condoned. Not like the ineffective swears on Traitors Ireland, which was full of unnecessary drama and woman crying all over the place over a darn game. Cathy wouldn\u2019t stand for that shit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Victoria Corin-Mitchell (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She\u2019s already proved to have a very strong poker face (see: famous video of VC taking out a load of professionals in a high-stakes poker game on YouTube), and I think she\u2019d be able to apply similar poker skills to the game here. One minute she\u2019d be pretending to be a loyal faithful as she helped other in the games, and the next she\u2019d be turning around and betraying them under a traitor hood. She\u2019s got a lot of potential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Samantha Morton (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Samantha\u2019s also got a lot of potential. She\u2019s got that kind vibe from a lot of her film roles, which she could use to her advantage as a faithful, but she could equally employ it to bamboozle faithfuls as a traitor. She\u2019s got some quiet skills that she could definitely use to her advantage, and, overall\u2026I just think Samantha\u2019s great (see: Marge Simpson \u2018I just think it\u2019s neat\u2019 meme).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bill Bailey (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He\u2019s got a load of comedic talent, he\u2019s got a load of musical talent, and clearly a lot of intellectual talent, because he\u2019s been on loads of episodes of QI (yes, I\u2019m aware the show stands for \u2018Quite Interesting\u2019 and not IQ). Plus, he can play two roles, because\u2026he played two roles in Hot Fuzz. But seriously, Bailey seems like a clever guy who could bring a lot of savvy skills to the round table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyone from the Toast of London Cast (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, I\u2019m starting to go a bit broad and biased because this show\u2019s great, but there\u2019s so much talent on offer here. Matt Berry, Fiona Mollison, Morgana Robinson. Robert Bathurst and Harry Peacock, both of whom play dual roles. Much traitor potential, no? The problem might be that some of the talent just ain\u2019t \u2018Celebrity’ enough. In that case, a rogue choice from the cast could be Shazad Latif. The dude\u2019s built up a solid CV with past roles, but surely might be considered more famous now with his role as Linton in the recent much-talked about adaption of Wuthering Heights. Food for thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyone from the Ghosts\/Horrible Histories cast (Yes)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Again, biased, because I love these shows. But come on now. ACTORS. People who are good at acting, who are funny, and seem like genuinely nice folks in real life. Anyone from these casts could be great. My vote would probs be Lolly Adefope, probably \u2018cause she\u2019s my fave Ghosts character. But I also feel like she could channel some of her friendly energy into recruiting a lot of trusting faithfuls to her side while secretly undercutting them as a traitor. BBC, take note.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bob Mortimer (No)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey. Whoa there. Don\u2019t look at me like that. I appreciate Robert just as much as anyone else. More than anyone else, in fact, because I was watching the Shooting Stars documentary from a young age so much that it wasn\u2019t healthy. That\u2019s right, I was a fan of Bake Potato before it was popularised in Covid times. So there. I just don\u2019t think Mortimer\u2019s character would work well in a Traitors setting. I\u2019m essentially basing that on really disliking that recent show where it\u2019s just a competition to see who can avoid laughing (can I be bothered to do a quick google search and check what that show\u2019s actually called? No, no I can\u2019t). I\u2019m just \u2018avin my say. This is my blog, after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Richard Ayoade (No)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I said stop looking at me like that, goshdarnit. Ayoade\u2019s awesome too. He\u2019s got a track record of awesomeness from The IT Crowd, The Mighty Boosh, Garth Morenghi\u2019s Darkplace and plenty of other shows. Plus he\u2019s always the highlight of Big Fat Quiz of the Year, even when BFQotY is a bit crap. Which it frequently is. It\u2019s just that, for similar reasons to Mortimer, I don\u2019t think he\u2019d gel in a Traitors space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jeremy Vine (Hell no)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What? The Man of the People (MotP) wouldn\u2019t be good on Traitors? Well, I guess he might be good if you\u2019re entertained by a guy riling people up on the round table discussion, making everyone angry and getting the faithfuls absolutely nowhere (for similar behaviour, see: The Jeremy Vine show, BBC 2 radio. Also see: the late great Sean Locke\u2019s sketch tearing Vine apart on YouTube). Vine would just piss everyone off. He pisses me off, anyway. If that hasn\u2019t been made glaringly clear already. But if you need another Vine dig, then check out my poem, which gives the fool a small mention (I\u2019ll post it at the end of this article).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyone from the Mrs Brown\u2019s Boys cast (Absolutely not)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess this is treading into more Irish territory, and I think Celebrity Traitors is strictly English. Nonetheless, I\u2019ve had a lot of fun watching the digs at this show from the Irish Simpsons Fan page on Facebook over the years, and that\u2019s what matters. Have I subjected my eyeballs to a single episode of this pish, you ask? No. And I never plan to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll have to wait and see if the Big British Castle takes on my thoughts. Time will tell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Want to hear why I’d be a terrible traitor? Then see below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n