A woman has a bit of a rant about trailers for films that look vaguely disappointing but which she\u2019ll probably go to the cinema to see anyway. What joy. This is a bit of a longer post than usual, and you may come across the occasional bit of colourful language here and there, so strap on your seatbelts. (*\uff3e \u15dc\uff3e* )<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Wuthering Heights<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, you\u2019ve got to hand it to Emerald Fennell. She\u2019s established a pretty solid aesthetic in her short career so far (Promising Young Woman, Saltburn). An aesthetic of groovy tunes, the end twist and, uh\u2026fucking. Yep. And she needs to watch it with the twist schtick, otherwise she\u2019s in competition to become the next M. Night Shyamalan. Come on gal. Try something different. (\u00ac_\u00ac)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not THIS different, though. ( \u02f6\u00b0\u3141\u00b0) !! Wuthering Heights? Emily Bronte\u2019s gothic classic? Nah. You should\u2019ve stayed away from this. But you haven\u2019t, so\u2026let\u2019s see who\u2019s playing Cathy and Heathcliffe. Uh\u2026Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi. Yep, some of the most conventionally attractive actors working in Hollywood today. Wonderful. Clearly Helen Mirren\u2019s Barbie voiceover that Robbie is the wrong person to cast if you want to make the point about being insecure about beauty didn\u2019t get through. And Wuthering Heights isn\u2019t about that anyway. I get that you don\u2019t have to stick rigidly to the source material, but a blonde bombshell with perfect skin doesn\u2019t exactly fit the stubborn and tomboyish heroine I envisaged. Nothing about Robbie screams tomboyish. Sure, you\u2019re never going to get the perfect character you\u2019ve envisaged in the text, but\u2026this ain\u2019t it. And Elordi? He appeared in Saltburn, I guess, so maybe he\u2019s becoming Emerald\u2019s muse? But again, he\u2019s not Heathcliffe. Heathcliffe\u2019s constantly described as dark in the novel. Wild, moody, angsty and all that. Elordi ain\u2019t that. (\u2022\u0300\u2919\u2022\u0301 )<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, so it\u2019d be helpful to actually start describing the trailer at this point. Robbie sitting with Heathcliffe, who\u2019s got some moody long hair and a beard of sorts (this ain\u2019t Heathcliffe, goshdarnit). And, uh, oof, I\u2019m not liking that accent. Some moody montages now, makes sense for promoting a Fennell film. Ooh, now Heathcliff\u2019s riding through the fields with an ominous unrealistic dark red sky. Moody. Well, let\u2019s just hope that the source material isn\u2019t twisted into a kind of YA fuckfest. Then the trailer announces that this joint will be arriving on valentine\u2019s day. Ah. Hm. That\u2019s not a good omen. Ooh, now a moody image of Cathy walking through a field in a bridal dress. Wow. And more moody shots. Oh, and some mist too to remind us that we\u2019re in the moors rather than some fairytale land. That\u2019s nice. And there\u2019s an extreme c-up of Robbie touching her lip. Hooray. And now I\u2019m thinking of Robbie\u2019s feet close-up in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I mean, Tarantino\u2019s got a fetish of his own. That\u2019s a different issue. (\u0ca0\u1bc5\u0ca0)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway. Another misty image with Heathcliffe in the background. But now he\u2019s got tidy short hair and he\u2019s in a suit. Cool. Then the text says that this joint\u2019s \u2018Inspired By The Greatest Love Story Of All Time\u2019. Oh dear. I don\u2019t like the look of that ol\u2019 \u2018Inspired\u2019 there, Emerald. Is that suggesting that you\u2019ll be taking the story in wild new directions? Heathcliffe taking a jizz on a horse? Cathy sucking a phallic-shaped strawberry? I wouldn\u2019t put it past you. And you\u2019re pushing it there with that greatest love story gambit. There\u2019s plenty of prose to fight in that competition. I mean, yeah, there\u2019s love and obsession and all that, but those theme guys appear in thousands of other works of literature. But you\u2019re selling a film here, so I get that you want to go for a big statement. (\u3063- \u2038 – \u03c2) Then there\u2019s some rising emotional sound beats as Cathy and Heathcliffe have some dramatic convo, followed by the announcement that this is an Emerald Fennell film. Fair enough. Then there\u2019s a bit where Cathy stares at Heathcliffe while he puts a pipe in his mouth. Saucy. Then a montage where Elordi takes off his shirt and Robbie\u2019s on the floor. Saucier. Just writing these descriptions makes me cringe when I think about the more sophisticated analysis I did in my book, but hey. You gotta do what you gotta do. “( \u2013 \u2313 \u2013 )<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there\u2019s more text in between moody montages and music. \u2018Be With Me Always\u2019, \u2018Take Any Form\u2019 \u2018Drive Me Mad\u2019. An image of Elordi riding through a dark storm on a horse. Will he jizz on it? That remains to be seen. Some devious licking seems to be going on in the fast-moving images, so I imagine Fennell will have something in there to one up Saltburn\u2019s bath scene. Or Saltburn\u2019s final scene (if you know, you know). Then some credits at the end letting us know the main leads, the fact that Charli xcx is doing the soundtrack and telling us to \u2018Come Undone\u2019 next Valentines Day. To quote an obscure character from an obscure series called Toast of London, we are teetering. On the edge. OF SODOM. Downtown Abbey this ain\u2019t.\u00a0\u00a0(\uff61>\ufe4f<)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Project Hail Mary<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*Summary: A woman who wrote a book about Ryan Gosling\u2019s expressionist film era gets annoyed about Gosling refusing to make another moody expressionist film*<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I heard that Gosling was starring in a sci-fi flick in space, I should\u2019ve been excited. Gosling played Neil Armstrong in Damien Chazelle\u2019s gorgeous First Man, a subversive tale about the space race that actually wasn\u2019t about the space race, instead focusing on Armstrong\u2019s ongoing, unspoken grief about the death of daughter Karen, who dies after suffering from a brain tumour. It\u2019s Chazelle\u2019s finest work to date, as far as I\u2019m concerned (sorry Whiplash, I do love you too). I was less excited, however, when I heard the Goz is going to be starring in, uh, Star Wars: Starfighter. What\u2019s all this commercial shiz about, Ryan? What\u2019s wrong with smashing heads in Drive, eh? Or going for multiple emotive, lingering shots of existential angst in Blade Runner 2049? Why did you abandon those masterpieces, huh? \u0aee(\u02f6\u3160\ufe3f\u3160)\u10d0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh well, it looks like you\u2019re starring in another sci-fi film. Yay! But this film is\u2026Project Hail Mary. Based on the book by the same guy who did The Martian. I haven\u2019t read it, in fairness, but the film adaption of The Martian was very talky with a fair amount of irritating expository voiceover. And it was fun, don\u2019t get me wrong, just fun. Not much more. And I DON\u2019T want fun, goddamnit. I WANT A GRUELLING JOURNEY WITH MINIMAL DIALOGUE AND A POWERFUL VISUAL AESTHETIC THAT ACTS AS A PRIMARY DEVICE FOR UNDERSTANDING NARRATIVE STRUCTURE. \u0ca0_\u0ca0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oof, glad I got that off my chest. But yeah, I\u2019m not holding out much hope for that in this flick. So, the trailer. It looks promising from the opening image where he\u2019s upside down in some rocket contraption or other with a concerned facial expression. But then it switches to Gosling with a funky long hair style, where he states his name to the computer. Stating your name already, without even being under duress? Nah, no silent hero potential here. Begone. (\u2256_\u2256 ) So, his name\u2019s Ryland Grace. And then he states that he\u2019s just woke up from a coma. Explaining what you\u2019re doing, Goz? Less of that exposition, please. Then cuts to Goz back on earth refusing to take on a mission to save earth. As you do. More expository stuff as the woman talking to him explains that the sun is dying and that he\u2019s the only scientist who might be able to stop it. He says he\u2019s just a doctor, then the woman tells him to come with her. Then he walks into some lab room, and she announces: \u2018This is Project Hail Mary\u2019 REALLY? Right in front of my [insert intelligent meme reaction here]? Come on, man. You don\u2019t put the title of the damn film in your trailer. At least not this soon, anyway. That\u2019s a textbook goober mistake. Shame on you. \u1d16\u0308<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, more annoying plot exposition from the woman (they haven\u2019t stated what her name is, ok? No sexism in these quarters, I assure you). Then Goz repeats the phrase \u2018Hail Mary\u2019, saying he understands why the mission\u2019s called that. STOP EXPLAINING. LET THE STILL FACES DO THE TALKING. GodDAYUM. Then the woman explains the threat if Goz doesn\u2019t accept the mission. Then some more shots of Goz refusing followed a credit for Goz highlighting that he\u2019s an Oscar nominee. Yes. Yes he is. So why\u2019s he here doing this SHI-<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*The writer had to be momentarily chloroformed at this point in time to get her to calm the fuck down and recognise that it\u2019s just a film. She was then returned to her desk with a kind of tag around her ankle as a warning. Y\u2019know, the kind of tags that criminals wear to make sure they don\u2019t break restraining orders. But used more to monitor blood pressure this time around. Like Speed, if that BP gets too high, ZAP*<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These people are crazy. Anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s an unnecessary emotional montage which doesn\u2019t work because I\u2019m not invested in the character or what\u2019s going on. A title card then pops us to remind us that the story is based on the best-selling author of The Martian. I know, and I don\u2019t care. Then some weird montages of Goz\u2019s class cheering and the woman talking to a crowd with a microphone (I still don\u2019t know her name, okay?). The credits state the directors\u2019 names, then states that they\u2019re the same dudes that created the Spider-Verse films. And I do love those films, but this is live action we\u2019re talking about here, not animation. Then some more images of Goz looking distressed, but not existential enough. Then a montage of Goz doing some happy celebratory shiz followed by a tease of him arriving at his destination, then meeting an alien. Then giving some expository shiz about how they became friends. At this point in the trailer (actually a while ago, tbh), what\u2019s the point? Do you want to tell the whole story or something. There\u2019s the film for that. But no, let\u2019s just lay out the whole narrative instead. Nice. Oh, and they had one tiny close-up shot of Goz in his helmet that reminded me of First Man and then made me sad that this isn\u2019t First Man. The more you know. Then it finishes off with a bit of Goz interacting with the alien that\u2019s supposed to be all quirky and funny. But it ain\u2019t making me laugh. Not. One. Bit. Get your drive gloves back on, Goz. \u0b67(\u0e51\u2022\u0300\u15dd\u2022\u0301)\u0aed<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Michael<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, this one\u2019s finally comin\u2019 round the corner. And why \u2018finally\u2019, you ask? This Michael Jackson biopic\u2019s been delayed, and it\u2019s been hitting some of those controversy targets because of apparent screenplay rewrites to try and avoid certain parts of the talented musician\u2019s life. Since this movie\u2019s supported by Jackson\u2019s estate, you can take a wild guess about what those parts might have been. Graham King, the film\u2019s producer, said he was keen \u2018to humanize but not sanitize\u2019 Jackson\u2019s story. However, Leaving Neverland director Dan Reed read a draft of the screenplay and declared it to be \u2018startlingly disingenuous\u2019, so I\u2019ll have to see the finished project to get a broader picture. \u00af\\<\/strong>(<\/strong><\/em>\u30c4<\/strong><\/em>)<\/strong><\/em>\/\u00af<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But anyway, onto the trailer. Quincy Jones (Colman Domingo) is heard as a song\u2019s set up in a studio. Then the credits inform us that King also produced Bohemian Rhapsody. Hmm, not a good sign. That joint obviously had its problems with the director switcheroo after Bryan Singer hopped on the train to Cancel Town, but the finished product was still lukewarm as hell (does that simile make sense? No, no it doesn\u2019t). Sure, Rami Malek was impressive, but not much else really stood out about the joint. Anyway. We cut to a stadium, followed by the voiceover saying \u2018This is Your Story\u2019 as an unseen figure walks forward. Ok. Then the credits let us know that the director\u2019s Antoine Fuqua. Cool, we\u2019ve got some more reliable talent here. Then more montages of Jackson, played here by nephew Jafar. Lots more montage and flashing images. Then cut to Jafar in the studio asking to lower the lights. Then more montage and finishing off with the movie\u2019s title. And that\u2019s it. ( \u2579-\u2579)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s something to be said for \u2018less is more\u2019 when it comes to the trailer (don\u2019t see: Project Hail Mary). But when it comes to the biopic, it\u2019s nice to try and centre it around a certain period in the artist\u2019s life, even if you\u2019re going to be flippin\u2019 around with flashbacks and such. It\u2019s hard to get a grip on where exactly this film\u2019s going, and whether it\u2019ll be an all-out celebration of Jackson\u2019s life without addressing the darker areas. Anyway, let\u2019s wait and see. (\u1d55 \u2022 \u1d17 \u2022)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A woman has a bit of a rant about trailers for films that look vaguely disappointing but which she\u2019ll probably go to the cinema to see anyway. What joy. This is a bit of a longer post than usual, and you may come across the occasional bit of colourful language here and there, so strap on … <\/p>\n